AITJ for Not Agreeing to My Boyfriend’s One-Sided ‘Open Relationship’ Rules?
A woman who is 18 years old agreed to have an open relationship with her boyfriend at the start because she thought it would be fair for both of them. She stayed committed to him alone for almost a year, even though he slept with other women on the side. But when she finally hooked up with someone while drunk at a party, her boyfriend said she was rude and breaking the “spirit” of their relationship.
Since then, things have gotten worse—he’s become controlling, wanting to look at her phone, find out where she is, and accuse her of chatting with every guy she sees. But he insists on being able to sleep with other people, and he wants her to be completely loyal to him. Now she wants to know if she’s wrong for standing up to an open relationship that only benefits one person or if it’s time to end something that doesn’t feel fair or safe anymore.
One woman agreed to be in an open relationship with her boyfriend, but realized he wanted her to be loyal while he slept around with whoever he wants
To have an open relationship, both people must believe each other, be honest, and most importantly, be equal. What happens, though, when “open” only means freedom and support for one side?
Two 18-year-olds are figuring out what it means to be an adult and falling in love at the start of this story. While the boyfriend was talking about the idea of an open relationship, the woman agreed, even though she had never been in one before. She was really ready to try something new, and she thought it would be fair and respectful for both of them.
She stayed mentally and physically loyal to him for almost a year, even though he was seeing multiple casual partners. The rules of the relationship legally let her be free, but she was emotionally invested in the relationship and didn’t want to see anyone else.
That changed two months ago, though. She slept with another man one time at a party while she was drunk. She didn’t lie about it, hide it, or break any rules that were agreed upon. But her boyfriend got mad and jealous and told her she was disrespectful and betraying him.
This is where things start to go wrong.
All of a sudden, the guy started to put strict rules in place. He said she was playing, asked to see her phone, wanted her to check in every hour and even asked for GPS to find out where she was. The young woman feels trapped now, not because she broke the rule, but because she did what he had been doing for months: she followed it.
What’s important here is relationship lying. One partner has full freedom, but the other is made fun of for using the same freedom. This isn’t polyamory; it’s mental control that looks like openness.
Psychology Today says that the building blocks of a good open relationship are
The same number of votes
Clearly agreed-upon limits
Safety for emotions
Both parties agree
None of those things are being respected in this case. She was punished by her boyfriend for exercising the freedom he had expected from the beginning. For one thing, that’s not fair; it’s controlling, which is something that often happens in situations where there is covert narcissism or emotional manipulation.
Also, the new need to look at her phone, watch where she goes, and manage the people she talks to is a type of digital surveillance. These are signs of controlling behaviour, according to The National Domestic Violence Hotline. They are often warning signs in relationships that can lead to mental abuse.
To be clear, it’s okay to feel jealous in a relationship, even if it’s an open one. But how you deal with that jealousy is important. Responding in a mature way means being honest, going over the boundaries again, or even ending the relationship if it doesn’t feel safe anymore. It’s not okay to punish your partner for following the rules you set or to act like they cheated when they haven’t.
The guy says, “There are too many men stuck in dull relationships,” and he doesn’t want to be one of them. But what about what his lover went through? She stayed mentally and physically faithful to him for almost a year while he went out with other women. She was called traitorous when she finally did the same thing.
This shows an upsetting difference in treatment based on gender. In many heteronormative relationships, the idea that men can date and explore while women must stay loyal, even in open relationships, is still held on to. This isn’t just sexist; it’s also unhealthy relationship advice that looks like current love.
Open relationships aren’t always bad. In fact, if they are done in an honest way, they can help both people grow emotionally, build trust, and be happy. But they have to be based on respect for each other. Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, a relationship researcher, says that non-monogamy only works when both parties feel emotionally safe and have the same amount of power.
There is no longer any mental safety here. The girlfriend no longer feels safe going out because she thinks she might be questioned. People are watching her every move, prying into her private life, and disrespecting her right to control her body.
Is it wrong for her to draw a line? Not at all.
You have every right to leave a relationship where the rules aren’t fair, the standards aren’t reasonable, and the emotional climate has become controlling. Love by itself won’t keep a relationship going if one person uses it as a reason to be selfish.
As one person on Reddit might say:
“If the rules only apply to one of you, it’s not a relationship—it’s control.”
The girl has shown that she is emotionally mature and honest in how she acts. She didn’t lie. She wasn’t shy. She stuck to the rules. This shows a lot more about her boyfriend’s character than it does about hers. Her boyfriend can’t do the same thing and instead reacts with stress and worry.
She will not leave him because she doesn’t love him; she will leave because she loves herself enough to expect respect, consistency, and emotional safety.
That doesn’t make her a jerk, though.
People in the comments advise the woman to leave her manipulative and controlling boyfriend
